Building Up Your Marriage with Healthy Communication

Would you like to have a stronger, healthier, more enjoyable marriage? I am sure that you would. And yet we live in a culture where about half of all marriages will shatter and end in a divorce, leaving behind the wreckage of broken adults and broken children. If we are to build healthy marriages, we much do so "on purpose." We cannot just hope that it will happen by accident. "Hope," say the generals, "is not a good strategy." Planning, work, and the investment of time, are much better strategies for any important endeavor of life. The first characteristic of a healthy marriage for us to consider is the way that we talk to our spouse, and the way that we talk about our spouse.. Healthy marriages are characterized by supportive, encouraging, and honest communication. We want to build each other up in our marriages, never tear our spouse down (especially under the guise of being "honest"). Two thousand years ago St. Paul wrote this verse that is worthy of every refrigerator door in America, "Don't let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, according to what they need, so that you can benefit those who listen." (Paul's letter to the Ephesians, Chapter 4). There are three important parts to Paul's verse. First, that if we don't have something good to say, don't say anything at all. I think my mother told me that as well. Second, that we should consider our listener's needs. My wife has a different set of needs than does my daughter, or my sons. We should consider how best to encourage and support that particular person. Finally, the purpose of our talking in the first place should be to benefit the listener. When I first began to seriously apply Paul's principle, and I began to really look at what I was saying, and why I was saying it, my vocabulary and my time talking were cut by about one-third. I had become sarcastic, but funny. But my funny sarcasm was always at the expense of another. When I determined to build others up and benefit them with my speech, I talked a lot less. But I became a much better person, both inside and out. Check your motives. If you just want to make yourself look good, you will tend to be sarcastic, and you will tend to "tease" other people by degrading them in front of others. The consequences of this will be that your friends will see your "teasing" as shameful, and your spouse and your children will grow distant from you. It may cost you your marriage. If , on the other hand, your motives are to build up and encourage your spouse and children, then speak words of support, love, and praise to them. Your friends will view you as a loving person, and your spouse and children will always want to be near you. They will love to hear you talk, as your words will be "like honey" to them. So choose well how you will use your words. You have the power to build up, or to tear down, just by the choices that you make.

Powerful Communication - Language - The Key That Opens Or Closes That Important Door

What prevents people from using their native language or secondary languages confidently comes down to seven traps that most people fall into.

Language is one of the things that sets us apart as beings, one of the things that essentially defines us as humans. When language is used well it can elicit very deep feeling in others, motivate others to action and define the nature of our relationships. Sometimes in poetry the juxtaposition of two words or a certain phrase can bring tears to the eyes, call up a whole host of imagery and move us deeply. We have seen language recently used in the politics of persuasion, used for good or ill - depending on your viewpoint. When we use language to express our true feelings to someone it can open and deepen the connection between us. Language is a very powerful tool. How we use language shapes our world both internally and externally. How you use self-talk - what you say to yourself about yourself and about the world directly shapes your experience of both yourself and the world. How you deliver communication shapes the way the world responds to you. We can use language more effectively in both spheres: internal and external and directly influence the health and power of our personal relationships and our business relationships.

Connie Glaser, a leading expert on patterns of communication has come up with 7 self-sabotage traps that diminish the power of our speech. I want to speak about each of these traps and help you identify which ones may be just unconscious ways or habits you have developed to communicate. In my work as a coach I always see that when we can make an automatic habit conscious and see it clearly we have much more leverage with which to change it. We have choices!

As I looked at the 7 Steps that Ms Glaser outlined I realized that they were an acronym - I am always looking for these when I teach because it makes it so much easier for people to remember. What happens when we don't use language effectively is that we deflect the power of it - we diminish the impact of it- we in fact don't get our real message across.

DEFLECT: The seven traps that derail our message

Disclaimers: "You may think this sounds stupid, but..."

Effusive Apologies: "I'm sooooo sorry..."

Fumble: "kinda, sorta like...."

Long- Taking too long to get to the point - wrapping a point in so much other information that people lose the train of what you are saying.

Emotions get in the way: Perhaps crying when you are really angry, being afraid so not communicating at all.....

Credit- Not accepting credit.

Tag Questions: "That was an excellent report, don't you think?"

Each of these "habits of speech" serves to deflect the power or clarity of our communication.

Disclaimers take the legs out from under what you say so there is no foundation. The person is asked to agree that what you are saying is stupid.

Effusive Apologies tend to obscure what you are saying, your communication gets lost in all of the apology and the underlying message is that you are inn error.

Fumbling in your conversational style is a habit that communicates that you do not really know what you are talking about or that you would really rather someone would ignore it.

Taking too long to get to the point hides your real message in an avalanche of words- the essential message is hard if not impossible to discern.

When emotions get in the way people sometimes don't deliver what they are really trying to convey because they are afraid of the outcome, embarrassed by what they want to say or wrap the communiqué in the opposite emotion i.e. they are really angry but break down instead.

Not accepting credit for something - saying things like "Oh it was nothing" or "Really I don't deserve the credit" etc. deflects attention from you and tends to communicate that you would rather not be noticed.

Tag Lines or asking a question at the end of a statement robs that statement of any power. It is sort of like blowing up a balloon and the moment you give it to someone insert a pin in it.

Often these are habits of communication, patterns of speech that we have learned and have become habitual. If we can identify the habit we, of course, can make different choices in how we communicate. Spend some tine observing your "favorite" trap and experiment with another more powerful approach. Drop the tag line and make a declarative statement, stop for a moment when someone gives you credit and allow it to sink in, make a direct statement without a disclaimer. All of these shifts brings power and clarity back into your communication.

I am currently offering a workshop in person and by teleclass that explores this and deepens your facility to use language more powerfully. Please be in contact with me if you would like more information.

Gender Jive - Communication Between Men and Women

As Carl Rogers said, "The major barrier to mutual interpersonal communication is our very natural tendency to judge, to evaluate, to approve or to disapprove." Approval usually comes when my perceptions of your behavior match my assumptions of how I think you should behave. It's time to stop shoulding on each other and begin to ACCEPT each other with our differences. This doesn't mean we always have to agree with each other; just accept.

People perceive things differently due to differences in cultural/ethnic background, personal experiences, personality styles, gender differences, attitudes and beliefs, etc. This diversity may impact our ability to communicate with each other. Therefore, it is important to keep an open mind about such differences so we can reduce the probability for communication breakdown. Not only are we faced with ethnic and cultural diversity at the workplace, we are also faced with

· different management styles · different learning styles · different decision making styles · different personalities · different genders

A deeper awareness of how differently men and women communicate is necessary in order to prevent these gender differences from leading to resentment, decreased productivity and workplace stress. Research indicates men and women are socialized differently and consequently, have diverse styles of speaking. In her best-selling book, You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, Deborah Tannen says the sexes often speak virtually different languages. She calls it "report talk" vs. "rapport talk."

Men and women, and their different languages

Men tend to use "report talk" to convey information and self-importance, while women tend to use "rapport talk" to establish intimacy and connection. Tannen says that women will then see men as self-centered and domineering, while men will then see women as illogical and insecure. What results? Accusations that are hurtful. Men will accuse women of asking for advice and then not taking it, of rambling on about nothing, and of being unable to make decisions. Women will accuse men of not listening, invalidating their feelings, and always stepping in to solve problems with a lot of "you shoulds."

Speaking different languages at work

In the workplace, these differences impact the way messages are sent and received, thus causing communication breakdown, misunderstanding and major frustration. For example, a female supervisor seeks conversation from her male boss about a problem situation she is having with one of her employees. Her intent for the meeting is to inform her boss of the problem. She just wants him to listen to her, rephrase and repeat what she's saying so that she can become more clear on how she wishes to proceed. Perhaps he would ask her some probing questions about options, etc. Instead, he begins telling her what she should do with the problem employee. She becomes frustrated and leaves, feeling like her time was wasted. He feels he has solved the problem, and it's time to move on.

...and then at home

Taking this situation into the home, the wife wishes to discuss a problem she's having with her husband, and he jumps in with the solution before she has had a chance to process her options. She gets mad and leaves the room saying, "You just never listen!"

An immediate translation is what's needed

In both scenarios, some very important communication skills are sorely lacking. First of all, the woman needs to be up front about what she wants from the man. "I'd really appreciate it if you'd help me process this problem by listening and asking questions," is one way for her to be clear in the beginning. If she decides she wants his advice, then she can ask for it. If she doesn't tell him what she wants in the beginning, then he would be wise to ask, "Do you want my advice or just someone to listen to you?" Having a deeper awareness of gender differences will help you increase understanding, decrease tension and improve teamwork. It is crucial to embrace differences and realize that there may, indeed, be alternative ways of doing things. It would behoove us to listen to each other and be more open to learning from our differences rather than allowing them to stifle our growth and ability to communicate with one another.

As we move into the next decade, we are going to have to learn how to better establish and maintain relationships with clients and co-workers so that we can create greater quality and productivity in an ever-changing world. The best way to do this is to fine-tune communication skills and accept that people are different, and it's okay. Follow these tips:

Keep an open mind Accept and understand differences When in doubt, check it out Take the time to talk about talking Create an environment where people feel safe sharing ideas/opinions

(c) Nancy Stern 2004

Powerful Communication - Language - The Key That Opens Or Closes That Important Door

What prevents people from using their native language or secondary languages confidently comes down to seven traps that most people fall into.

Language is one of the things that sets us apart as beings, one of the things that essentially defines us as humans. When language is used well it can elicit very deep feeling in others, motivate others to action and define the nature of our relationships. Sometimes in poetry the juxtaposition of two words or a certain phrase can bring tears to the eyes, call up a whole host of imagery and move us deeply. We have seen language recently used in the politics of persuasion, used for good or ill - depending on your viewpoint. When we use language to express our true feelings to someone it can open and deepen the connection between us. Language is a very powerful tool. How we use language shapes our world both internally and externally. How you use self-talk - what you say to yourself about yourself and about the world directly shapes your experience of both yourself and the world. How you deliver communication shapes the way the world responds to you. We can use language more effectively in both spheres: internal and external and directly influence the health and power of our personal relationships and our business relationships.

Connie Glaser, a leading expert on patterns of communication has come up with 7 self-sabotage traps that diminish the power of our speech. I want to speak about each of these traps and help you identify which ones may be just unconscious ways or habits you have developed to communicate. In my work as a coach I always see that when we can make an automatic habit conscious and see it clearly we have much more leverage with which to change it. We have choices!

As I looked at the 7 Steps that Ms Glaser outlined I realized that they were an acronym - I am always looking for these when I teach because it makes it so much easier for people to remember. What happens when we don't use language effectively is that we deflect the power of it - we diminish the impact of it- we in fact don't get our real message across.

DEFLECT: The seven traps that derail our message

Disclaimers: "You may think this sounds stupid, but..."

Effusive Apologies: "I'm sooooo sorry..."

Fumble: "kinda, sorta like...."

Long- Taking too long to get to the point - wrapping a point in so much other information that people lose the train of what you are saying.

Emotions get in the way: Perhaps crying when you are really angry, being afraid so not communicating at all.....

Credit- Not accepting credit.

Tag Questions: "That was an excellent report, don't you think?"

Each of these "habits of speech" serves to deflect the power or clarity of our communication.

Disclaimers take the legs out from under what you say so there is no foundation. The person is asked to agree that what you are saying is stupid.

Effusive Apologies tend to obscure what you are saying, your communication gets lost in all of the apology and the underlying message is that you are inn error.

Fumbling in your conversational style is a habit that communicates that you do not really know what you are talking about or that you would really rather someone would ignore it.

Taking too long to get to the point hides your real message in an avalanche of words- the essential message is hard if not impossible to discern.

When emotions get in the way people sometimes don't deliver what they are really trying to convey because they are afraid of the outcome, embarrassed by what they want to say or wrap the communiqué in the opposite emotion i.e. they are really angry but break down instead.

Not accepting credit for something - saying things like "Oh it was nothing" or "Really I don't deserve the credit" etc. deflects attention from you and tends to communicate that you would rather not be noticed.

Tag Lines or asking a question at the end of a statement robs that statement of any power. It is sort of like blowing up a balloon and the moment you give it to someone insert a pin in it.

Often these are habits of communication, patterns of speech that we have learned and have become habitual. If we can identify the habit we, of course, can make different choices in how we communicate. Spend some tine observing your "favorite" trap and experiment with another more powerful approach. Drop the tag line and make a declarative statement, stop for a moment when someone gives you credit and allow it to sink in, make a direct statement without a disclaimer. All of these shifts brings power and clarity back into your communication.

I am currently offering a workshop in person and by teleclass that explores this and deepens your facility to use language more powerfully. Please be in contact with me if you would like more information.

Powerful Communication - Language - The Key That Opens Or Closes That Important Door

What prevents people from using their native language or secondary languages confidently comes down to seven traps that most people fall into.

Language is one of the things that sets us apart as beings, one of the things that essentially defines us as humans. When language is used well it can elicit very deep feeling in others, motivate others to action and define the nature of our relationships. Sometimes in poetry the juxtaposition of two words or a certain phrase can bring tears to the eyes, call up a whole host of imagery and move us deeply. We have seen language recently used in the politics of persuasion, used for good or ill - depending on your viewpoint. When we use language to express our true feelings to someone it can open and deepen the connection between us. Language is a very powerful tool. How we use language shapes our world both internally and externally. How you use self-talk - what you say to yourself about yourself and about the world directly shapes your experience of both yourself and the world. How you deliver communication shapes the way the world responds to you. We can use language more effectively in both spheres: internal and external and directly influence the health and power of our personal relationships and our business relationships.

Connie Glaser, a leading expert on patterns of communication has come up with 7 self-sabotage traps that diminish the power of our speech. I want to speak about each of these traps and help you identify which ones may be just unconscious ways or habits you have developed to communicate. In my work as a coach I always see that when we can make an automatic habit conscious and see it clearly we have much more leverage with which to change it. We have choices!

As I looked at the 7 Steps that Ms Glaser outlined I realized that they were an acronym - I am always looking for these when I teach because it makes it so much easier for people to remember. What happens when we don't use language effectively is that we deflect the power of it - we diminish the impact of it- we in fact don't get our real message across.

DEFLECT: The seven traps that derail our message

Disclaimers: "You may think this sounds stupid, but..."

Effusive Apologies: "I'm sooooo sorry..."

Fumble: "kinda, sorta like...."

Long- Taking too long to get to the point - wrapping a point in so much other information that people lose the train of what you are saying.

Emotions get in the way: Perhaps crying when you are really angry, being afraid so not communicating at all.....

Credit- Not accepting credit.

Tag Questions: "That was an excellent report, don't you think?"

Each of these "habits of speech" serves to deflect the power or clarity of our communication.

Disclaimers take the legs out from under what you say so there is no foundation. The person is asked to agree that what you are saying is stupid.

Effusive Apologies tend to obscure what you are saying, your communication gets lost in all of the apology and the underlying message is that you are inn error.

Fumbling in your conversational style is a habit that communicates that you do not really know what you are talking about or that you would really rather someone would ignore it.

Taking too long to get to the point hides your real message in an avalanche of words- the essential message is hard if not impossible to discern.

When emotions get in the way people sometimes don't deliver what they are really trying to convey because they are afraid of the outcome, embarrassed by what they want to say or wrap the communiqué in the opposite emotion i.e. they are really angry but break down instead.

Not accepting credit for something - saying things like "Oh it was nothing" or "Really I don't deserve the credit" etc. deflects attention from you and tends to communicate that you would rather not be noticed.

Tag Lines or asking a question at the end of a statement robs that statement of any power. It is sort of like blowing up a balloon and the moment you give it to someone insert a pin in it.

Often these are habits of communication, patterns of speech that we have learned and have become habitual. If we can identify the habit we, of course, can make different choices in how we communicate. Spend some tine observing your "favorite" trap and experiment with another more powerful approach. Drop the tag line and make a declarative statement, stop for a moment when someone gives you credit and allow it to sink in, make a direct statement without a disclaimer. All of these shifts brings power and clarity back into your communication.

I am currently offering a workshop in person and by teleclass that explores this and deepens your facility to use language more powerfully. Please be in contact with me if you would like more information.

Powerful Communication - Language - The Key That Opens Or Closes That Important Door

What prevents people from using their native language or secondary languages confidently comes down to seven traps that most people fall into.

Language is one of the things that sets us apart as beings, one of the things that essentially defines us as humans. When language is used well it can elicit very deep feeling in others, motivate others to action and define the nature of our relationships. Sometimes in poetry the juxtaposition of two words or a certain phrase can bring tears to the eyes, call up a whole host of imagery and move us deeply. We have seen language recently used in the politics of persuasion, used for good or ill - depending on your viewpoint. When we use language to express our true feelings to someone it can open and deepen the connection between us. Language is a very powerful tool. How we use language shapes our world both internally and externally. How you use self-talk - what you say to yourself about yourself and about the world directly shapes your experience of both yourself and the world. How you deliver communication shapes the way the world responds to you. We can use language more effectively in both spheres: internal and external and directly influence the health and power of our personal relationships and our business relationships.

Connie Glaser, a leading expert on patterns of communication has come up with 7 self-sabotage traps that diminish the power of our speech. I want to speak about each of these traps and help you identify which ones may be just unconscious ways or habits you have developed to communicate. In my work as a coach I always see that when we can make an automatic habit conscious and see it clearly we have much more leverage with which to change it. We have choices!

As I looked at the 7 Steps that Ms Glaser outlined I realized that they were an acronym - I am always looking for these when I teach because it makes it so much easier for people to remember. What happens when we don't use language effectively is that we deflect the power of it - we diminish the impact of it- we in fact don't get our real message across.

DEFLECT: The seven traps that derail our message

Disclaimers: "You may think this sounds stupid, but..."

Effusive Apologies: "I'm sooooo sorry..."

Fumble: "kinda, sorta like...."

Long- Taking too long to get to the point - wrapping a point in so much other information that people lose the train of what you are saying.

Emotions get in the way: Perhaps crying when you are really angry, being afraid so not communicating at all.....

Credit- Not accepting credit.

Tag Questions: "That was an excellent report, don't you think?"

Each of these "habits of speech" serves to deflect the power or clarity of our communication.

Disclaimers take the legs out from under what you say so there is no foundation. The person is asked to agree that what you are saying is stupid.

Effusive Apologies tend to obscure what you are saying, your communication gets lost in all of the apology and the underlying message is that you are inn error.

Fumbling in your conversational style is a habit that communicates that you do not really know what you are talking about or that you would really rather someone would ignore it.

Taking too long to get to the point hides your real message in an avalanche of words- the essential message is hard if not impossible to discern.

When emotions get in the way people sometimes don't deliver what they are really trying to convey because they are afraid of the outcome, embarrassed by what they want to say or wrap the communiqué in the opposite emotion i.e. they are really angry but break down instead.

Not accepting credit for something - saying things like "Oh it was nothing" or "Really I don't deserve the credit" etc. deflects attention from you and tends to communicate that you would rather not be noticed.

Tag Lines or asking a question at the end of a statement robs that statement of any power. It is sort of like blowing up a balloon and the moment you give it to someone insert a pin in it.

Often these are habits of communication, patterns of speech that we have learned and have become habitual. If we can identify the habit we, of course, can make different choices in how we communicate. Spend some tine observing your "favorite" trap and experiment with another more powerful approach. Drop the tag line and make a declarative statement, stop for a moment when someone gives you credit and allow it to sink in, make a direct statement without a disclaimer. All of these shifts brings power and clarity back into your communication.

I am currently offering a workshop in person and by teleclass that explores this and deepens your facility to use language more powerfully. Please be in contact with me if you would like more information.